WORDS TO LIVE BY

Now I know what many of you were thinkin when I wasn't producing anymore writing masterpieces.
"This Funny guy must not be the phenom that we thought he was. He's just a two hit wonder."
Well I've got news for you idiots. I'm amazing at what I do. I give advice or criticism to people who are in need of it. Example: Midgets and People with small dicks.
I'm already sick and tired of that though. I need to focus on everyone. Not just the nobodies.
So here we go. These are just a few words for everyone to live by:

*IMPORTANT
**NOT IMPORTANT

*If her arms are harrier than her head...DON'T DO HER!

*If the pit area is dry...the shirt's clean.

*Don't drink out of a penis-shaped shot glass if there is mold in it...or even if there is no mold in it.

*If she's bigger than you...enough said.

*It's okay to line jump at Cici's Pizza.

*Stinky feet aren't a turn on...unless you are dating a fat girl.

*If a pull-down is happening right in front of you...embrace it...with a swift kick.

*Nice guys finish last...unless they are running the race of niceness.

*If you fart...blame it on the fat person. If you are the fat person...lose weight until you are the second fattest person.

*Don't quit unless you are about to lose to someone worse than you.

*If you lose, don't give up on yourself because chances are...everyone else already has.

*Don't make fun of midgets.

*If you are about to write a blog...don't read mine first, or you'll know that yours is gonna suck.

*If life hands you lemons...throw them at people who look funny.

*Food and water. (you can't survive without these)

*Treat others the way midgets are treated.

*Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who take.

*If she has too much makeup on...she's either hiding something or she's 11.


I know most of you were expecting more...but you are the losers that no one can help, not even me. So for those that will be living by these words, I'm gonna leave you with this.
Life is best lived by being funny and good-looking...so you're fucked.

Midgets aren't People

You ever get that feeling that you're the shortest person in the room, and everyone is makin fun of you? Well you aren't the only person that feels like that. Midgets are also useless in this world. There is only a few reasons they are needed. One is to fulfill fantasies that usually fat men have about tiny people. I'm talkin about sex...midget sex. I know, it sounds absolutely disgusting. I can barely stand to look at such hideous creatures with clothes on, but when you take their clothes off, and they start going at it like two little jelly beans...that's when I about lose my lunch. Just think of what this world would be like without them...hmmmmmm...I think it would be absolutely off the hook. You wouldn't have to worry about walkin around and maybe stepping on somebody who doesn't even really matter in the first place. I don't know about you, but that sounds d light full. And what's up with their HUGE heads. I mean its like their mom had them come out of her vagina (just the head) for about 5 years. Then she gave birth to the rest of the body. It honestly doesn't make sense.
If you think about it no movies even tell the truth about these basic figments of our imagination. Snow White's life must've sucked...no wonder she ate that poisonous apple. I mean seriously...the man who wrote this gay ass movie must've been a midget because he obviously didn't think when he gave those worthless bastards these nicknames: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, and Dopey...those aren't the names those things deserve. They deserve names more like Shorty, Ugly, Midgety, Worthlessy, and Kirky. I know I left two names out, but I just don't care about these animals enough to name them.
Can you imagine the hardship these mini-monster's parents go through? You probably haven't heard anything about that because once they find out their child is going to look like Stewie Griffin for life, they quickly kill themselves. I understand why they do it. I would probably/definitely do it too.
If there was only something these things could do to make themselves worthy of life then I think they would be more accepted in society. I'm going to throw some ideas out there for them.
1) They could grow taller.
2) They could go back to their planet Mars.
3) They could stop making such disgusting videos.
4) Wee Man could act like he doesn't exist on the show Jackass.
5) They could walk around in stilts all the time.

That's really all I can think of when it comes to midgets fitting in. In reality none of this really matters because lets face it...and I'm saying this in the nicest way possible...I don't care for them. Okay screw being nice...I really really don't care for them.

Before I call this blog quits...I'm just gonna let everyone know that if they are totally offended by the things I write, then they can just tell me and I'll come poke their eyes out...which brings me to another thing about midgets...every time I see a midget, I want to poke my own eyes out.

Now I'm going to leave you with this.
Life's a bitch, but that's better than life being a midget.

Baby Dick

Is that a stack of buttons in your pants, or are you just not happy to see me?
That is probably a tough question for any guy to hear from his woman (or his man...depends how you roll). It's a nice way to say..."Hey baby dick, what the hell is wrong with you?" But I have good news for those not so blessed. There are ways to fix that BIG, but oh so tiny problem. It takes commitment. It takes preparation. And most of all...it takes a baby dick. If you are black, get the hell off this website unless you want to make fun of one of your mini corn-dog penis white friends.
This is the motto with girls these days. Once you go white...you go lesbian. Well I want to let you know that I am sick of seeing this happen to such beautiful/ugly people. I'm here to help and I promise you, if you follow my easy steps your once tiny; shriveled up bulldog puppy will grow into the massive elephant that it should be.
1) COMMITMENT:
You must do as many pull-downs as you can per day, without being seen. This last part is important because if you are seen doing the pull-down you will already be thrown into the category of tiny dick. Girls don't need to see what you look like down there if you are stretching in front of them...they've already made their decision to hook up with your friend instead. For those of you who have never heard of the pull-down, let me fill you in. The pull-down is where you grab the end of your dick and pull ever so slightly until it is fully elongated. Again, do this as many times as you can per day, without being seen.
2) PREPARATION:
This is also a very important step in becoming a fully developed male specimen. You must groom yourself, and often. If you get caught in a situation where you are in bed with a woman, and you aren't prepared, then you should probably go ahead and commit suicide because you will be living the life of Elton John from there on out. I recommend taking an electric shaver to the region just under the bellybutton. Then comes the grundle/taint/gouch and balls (least favorite grooming spot for men). This region, which is the most precious part of a man's body, requires a razor. It sounds scary, and trust me it is, but the reward is definitely worth it. Not only does it clean you up so you don't look like Chewbacca, but it also makes your dick look longer than it actually is (also known as an optical illusion).
3) Baby Dick:
If having a baby dick is not a problem for you, then this advice won't help you out one bit. This is a blog for those men who think they are men, but they really have the characteristics of an undeveloped 10 year-old. These little boys have room to improve. This is for the men who dream not only of Genie, but of the day when a woman says, "I'm satisfied!"

In conclusion, life is just a riddle...why not make your riddle about a big penis?